So, you’ve decided to plunge into the thrilling world of online dating. Congratulations! You’re about to embark on a journey filled with ghosting, awkward small talk, and profiles that are about as real as a unicorn riding a hoverboard. But if you’re really looking to fail spectacularly, follow this handy guide to ensure you remain single and swiping forever.

Step 1: Choose the Worst Possible Profile Picture

Your profile picture is the first thing people see, so naturally, you should pick one that screams, “Run in the opposite direction!” Here are some stellar options:

• A blurry, pixelated selfie from 2007. If people can’t tell if that’s you or a potato, you’re doing great!
• A bathroom mirror selfie with a toilet in the background. Nothing says romance like visible plumbing fixtures.
• A group photo where no one can tell which one is you. Extra points if everyone in the photo is better-looking than you.
• A picture of your car, your dog, or a landscape. Because what’s more attractive than a sunset that has zero connection to your personality?
• A shirtless gym selfie that exudes desperation rather than fitness. Showcasing your abs might work, but only if you also showcase a personality.

Step 2: Write a Profile That Tells Them Absolutely Nothing

Your bio is your chance to shine—so make sure it’s as vague and uninspiring as possible. Here are some winning strategies:

• Just say “Ask me anything.” Because nothing says “I have no personality” like making someone else do all the work.
• Use a generic statement like “I love to laugh.” Wow, how unique. Who doesn’t love to laugh?
• Write a novel-length manifesto about your ideal partner but forget to mention anything about yourself.
• Include a list of demands: “Must be under 5’5”, love hiking, cook like Gordon Ramsay, and never talk to other men.”

Step 3: Master the Art of Terrible Messaging

You’ve matched! Now it’s time to ensure the conversation crashes and burns immediately.

• Open with a simple “Hey” and then disappear forever.
• Lead with a wildly inappropriate comment. Nothing wins hearts like “U up?” at 2 a.m.
• Respond in one-word answers, preferably “lol” or “cool.”
• Ignore their interests and only talk about yourself. Bonus points if you mansplain something they clearly already know.
• If they don’t respond within 10 minutes, send follow-ups like “Hello?” and “Wow, I guess you don’t like me.”

Step 4: Set Unrealistic Expectations

Your dream partner is out there, but why settle for reality when you can hold out for a fantasy? Try the following:

• Insist your soulmate must look like a supermodel despite offering blurry, unflattering photos of yourself.
• Expect instant chemistry, wedding bells, and three children within the first week of chatting.
• Demand that your match must love all the same things you do—because nothing builds a strong relationship like zero individuality.
• Get furious when someone doesn’t message you back within five minutes. True love doesn’t take bathroom breaks!

Step 5: Ignore All Red Flags (Or Be One Yourself!)

• Overlook inconsistencies in their story. They’re a 6’4” billionaire astronaut model? Totally believable.
• Ignore creepy or aggressive behavior. “They’re just passionate!” (No, they’re just scary.)
• Lie about your own age, height, or job. Honesty is overrated, right?
• Spam people with “wyd” texts at all hours of the night.

Step 6: Fall for Obvious Scams

Romance scams? Never heard of them. If you’re dedicated to failing at online dating, you should:

• Send money to a stranger who claims to be a wealthy doctor stranded in a foreign country.
• Click on mysterious links sent by your match. What’s the worst that could happen?
• Ignore common sense and believe that your dream partner just happens to be stationed overseas and desperately needs your bank details.

Step 7: Take Rejection Personally

Dating can be tough, but if you want to fail, make sure to:

• Get offended if someone unmatches you. Clearly, they just don’t understand your brilliance.
• Respond angrily to rejection. “Whatever, you weren’t that hot anyway!” is a great way to end on a sour note.
• Never self-reflect or improve. It’s always their fault, never yours.

What NOT to Do (If You Actually Want to Succeed)

• Use clear, recent, and flattering photos that actually look like you.
• Write a bio that’s short, engaging, and gives people something to respond to.
• Send thoughtful and personalized messages instead of lazy one-word openers.
• Be realistic about what you’re looking for and open to different possibilities.
• Watch out for red flags and don’t ignore your gut feelings about sketchy people.
• Be patient. Finding the right match takes time, not a single swipe session.

Conclusion

Online dating is a chaotic, unpredictable adventure that can be both thrilling and frustrating. If your goal is to fail, the steps above will ensure maximum disappointment. However, if you’d rather find genuine connections, a little effort, patience, and self-awareness will go a long way. The key to success is authenticity, respect, and a sense of humor—because let’s be honest, you’ll need it. Happy swiping!